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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Cancer sucks

Woke up to the news this morning that another sweet child has been taken by this horrid disease way too early.  Samuel you fought as hard as you could darling but God wanted you back home.

Samuels passing has brought back all those awful feelings and my heart feels like it has been crushed again and again and again.  I struggle to breathe as I remember Emma's last moments, I keep thinking that I should have told them to sit her up as that way she would have been able to breathe easier but it would not have helped as her time here was done.  

I go about my day to day business assuring people that I am ok and some days I am but most days I am just an empty shell, empty of all feeling and happiness.  I wake every day wishing that I could stay in bed and not have to face the world or talk to people.  It is such a struggle.  I try to stay strong for others knowing that they can draw strength from that fact but it is hard, so bloody hard.

We went on our cruise and all I could think was about how guilty I felt doing that when Emma had only left a mere 7 weeks ago...... Everything I do brings guilt that I am here living and breathing when my precious little girl is not.  I pray that God give me strength every day and maybe he is but I don't feel it.

When they said that life was never meant to be easy I sure didn't expect this.  I know that the pain is never going to go away and if anything it will get worse, I just need to keep learning how to adjust my life to deal with it.

A friend said to me today and I quote

"My dad died of cancer. I look at it as if through his passing, he killed the cancer. In the end, he won "

I need to think of Emma as winning the fight against cancer............

6 comments:

Michelle Grant said...

Sending love and strength your way hun! I could never imagine the pain you are going through! My heart goes out to you! xxxx

Jo Baker said...

Hugs Leanne. I can't begin to imagine how you face every day but you give such strength to others by doing so and putting on that brave face. Know that we are thinking of you as you face each struggle. I love your friend's way of seeing that his Dad indeed triumphed in the end, as did precious little Emma xx

Lizzyc said...

HI Leanne, I feel so helpless as I read this post..it is so sad that children die young and I wish there was a magic thing I could do or say that would bring your dear Em back.. but i have nothing, except to keep praying for you and your family.. I don't think losing a child is something a mum ever gets over.. but I pray somehow God will put joy back in your heart.. and guilt is not from God, I believe that is from the devil trying to rob you again.. so I pray the feelings of guilt will go in Jesus Name and feelings of hope will replace them... thank you for sharing here in your blog.. be real and tell someone if you are not coping please.. and I pray there will be someone who can just hold you and help you... please take care of yourself... sending you my christian love.. lizzy

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

I just want to be there with you to hold your hand, lend a shoulder for crying... hug you ... know that you are in my thoughts daily ... love you....

Lee-Anne J said...

I can't even imagine what you are going through Leanne. I know that if it were me I'd have to be knocked out everyday as their is no way I'd cope! You're one amazing lady! I just don't understand if God has a bigger plan then why does He cause so much suffering in order to make it happen! Life is so unfair sometimes. Thinking of you and sending Hugs! xoxo

Denise ~ Paper Ponderings said...

I am so sorry. I prayed for Emma and you so hard, so much, but always asking for God's will. My mom left this earth in January very unexpectedly and I have some of the same feelings...feel like I wear a mask of "everything is okay" when I just want to go to bed. I was so glad when Mom was hospitalized thinking that at least she'd be taken care of...never in my wildest dreams thinking that they would pull a drain tube (while on blood thinners) and she would bleed to death. I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready.