Woke up to the news this morning that another sweet child has been taken by this horrid disease way too early. Samuel you fought as hard as you could darling but God wanted you back home.
Samuels passing has brought back all those awful feelings and my heart feels like it has been crushed again and again and again. I struggle to breathe as I remember Emma's last moments, I keep thinking that I should have told them to sit her up as that way she would have been able to breathe easier but it would not have helped as her time here was done.
I go about my day to day business assuring people that I am ok and some days I am but most days I am just an empty shell, empty of all feeling and happiness. I wake every day wishing that I could stay in bed and not have to face the world or talk to people. It is such a struggle. I try to stay strong for others knowing that they can draw strength from that fact but it is hard, so bloody hard.
We went on our cruise and all I could think was about how guilty I felt doing that when Emma had only left a mere 7 weeks ago...... Everything I do brings guilt that I am here living and breathing when my precious little girl is not. I pray that God give me strength every day and maybe he is but I don't feel it.
When they said that life was never meant to be easy I sure didn't expect this. I know that the pain is never going to go away and if anything it will get worse, I just need to keep learning how to adjust my life to deal with it.
A friend said to me today and I quote
"My dad died of cancer. I look at it as if through his passing, he killed the cancer. In the end, he won "
I need to think of Emma as winning the fight against cancer............